Gratitude, Not Attitude

I'm almost finished with week 2 of cycle 1 of chemo and I can say that this week has been much better than the first.  The first week, while it certainly could have been worse, was tough as I just felt sick, tired and gross every day.  It's not like anything I've ever experienced, so the closest description I've come up with so far is like a combination of having a hangover and food poisoning at the same time ("oh, like a weekend in Tiajuana!" said my friend Pat.)  Of course when anyone asked how I was doing I would say "good" but I guess it's all relative.  My definition of "good' was "not throwing up" which I'm still thankful for.  All of the anti nausea drugs worked well, although they made me cloudy so I tried to stop taking them as soon as I could.  I've also started getting acupuncture treatments every week, which I've really enjoyed.  Recent clinical studies have shown what the Chinese have known for centuries, that acupuncture can aid in treating a variety of conditions including, in my case, boosting immune function and helping with chemotherapy side effects.  While obviously not a replacement for modern medicine, it's useful as a complimentary therapy.  At a minimum, it's the most relaxing hour of my week.  And no, the needles don't hurt. :)

So I started feeling a little better on Tuesday of last week, exactly one week after chemo started. Coincidentally, this was also the day I had somewhat of a revelation.  This experience is teaching me to appreciate life differently, to value each day more because the next 40-50 years aren't guaranteed.  That peace and happiness aren't things to try to accomplish for the future, but things that exist right now.  And at the root of those things is gratitude.  Our culture is built around discontent and always wanting more.  Marketers figured out a long time ago that they can create "need" and drive us to consume more and more so that it will never be enough.  Because of that, it's hard to step back and truly appreciate everything that we have.  It's easier and maybe more natural to focus on the things we lack, to compare ourselves with our perceptions of other people.  I heard it said once that we should never compare ourselves with other people, because it can only result in us feeling either prideful or inferior, and neither of those are positive.

I decided that I would focus on being grateful throughout this experience. Regardless of how I'm feeling or the circumstances around me, I have a lot to be thankful for.  The Bible says in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  All circumstances, not just the mountaintops.  I've tried to do this on some level in the past and it really does work.  When I would be running a long endurance race or mountain race, I would start praying in my head and thanking God for every possible thing in my life to take the focus off of the physical pain.  It really made the time go by faster.  I've also heard of people getting over major depression by volunteering to serve others in need.  I suppose it works in the same way by taking the focus off of self and providing perspective.

Being thankful while carrying a 60 pound sandbag up Mt. Killington

Being thankful crawling through the mud with Al (who is wearing shorts by the way)

Here are just some of the things I'm thankful for right now:  I'm thankful that we're having a boy in September!  I'm thankful that my last round of chemo is in July and I'll be recovering when he's born.  I'm thankful for my beautiful wife and daughters.  I'm thankful for my supportive family, church family, friends and coworkers. I'm thankful for good benefits at work.  I'm thankful that the weather is turning here and I can be outside in the fresh air.  I'm thankful for dark chocolate.  I'm thankful for modern medicine and my medical team and also that this isn't a death sentence like it was 50 years ago.

That's just a small sample.  But if you're reading this and you're going through a trial I would encourage you to try it too.  Surely you have things to be thankful for and meditating on those things can release a healing chemical reaction in your body, mind and spirit.