Reflecting Back & Looking Forward

A year ago today I was lying on my couch, sick with pneumonia for the second time in a five month period.  Although I didn't know it at the time, it would be a sign of things to come for the year.  Last year was supposed to be a great one filled with joyful milestones.  We were going to have another baby.  I was going to run a marathon.  I was contemplating a job change and a move.  Life was good and moving in the right direction.  Of course, two months later I was diagnosed with cancer and everything screeched to a halt.  We were forced to re-prioritize, so we did.  More than anything, the past year tested our resilience.  It was hard.  It was scary.  I almost died.  I was essentially useless for 5 months while recovering from surgery and dealing with chemotherapy at a time when my family needed me.  Tiffany had to take care of me, along with basically all of the household duties and two very active toddlers.  While pregnant.  There were many tough days, but she carried the burden with grace and determination.  (Her thoughts on her blog here.)  God showed up daily- internally by providing strength, peace, and even joy above what we would ever have been able to muster on our own, and physically through the MANY people who came through to support us.  My mother in law was an angel who cooked, cleaned, and helped with the kids.  My parents cancelled their vacation, took time off of work, and were there with us every step of the way.  SO many friends took time out of their busy lives to bring us meals and encouragement.  We were surrounded with love and support throughout the ordeal and I don't know how we would have made it through otherwise.  But we made it.  We adapted, we improvised, we overcame.  Chemo ended and we transitioned right into having a (mildly challenging) newborn in the house.  But right on schedule he is now doing much better and sleeping more, just in time for the new year.  A better year.  Our marriage is stronger because we stood together during the storm.  Ten years ago we vowed to stick together for better or worse, in sickness and health.  We've experienced the "worse" and the "sickness" now and that gives us a new ability to savor the better times.  We look forward to 2015 with just as much hope and optimism as ever, but now with more gratitude, and the knowledge that we can endure whatever life throws at us.

I can face anything with this one by my side

Our Dax - also ready for 2015

So as I move on and plan for the new year, I want to acknowledge a few of the lessons I learned this year:

• Attitude is important.  Tragedy, heartbreak, and disappointment are inevitable in life.  How we respond to adversity and disappointment determines how successful we will be.  Things happen that we can't control, but we can control how we react.  We can accept defeat and ask "why me?" or we can resolve to use those experiences as motivation to become better, to rise above, and keep fighting.  I choose to always stay optimistic.

• Perspective is important.  No matter how bad things seem, it can always be worse and it will get better.  There is always something to be thankful for.  I drew inspiration from a six year old I've never met who is courageously battling brain cancer.  He's the son of a friend from high school and their story is here.

• Community is important.  The outpouring of support and tangible help we received has made me a more compassionate person. 

• Knowledge is important.  I was going to say "knowledge is power" but then it wouldn't fit with the rest of how this list turned out.  Specifically with medical issues, I've learned how important it is to be informed.  Doctors aren't perfect.  Be your own advocate.  Ask questions.  I had time on my hands and did research using resources like the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, American Cancer Society, National Institute of Health, The Journal of Clinical Oncology, and the National Comprehensive Cancer Network to name a few.  But there is also a lot of misinformation out there.  I had planned to dedicate a separate blog post to that topic, but suffice it to say that I don't believe that there is a giant conspiracy to give people cancer and prevent a cure by the government/ pharmaceutical industry/ wall street/ illuminati/ aliens, etc.  I believe in integrative approaches and that clean eating, exercise, prayer/ meditation, natural/ herbal medicine can be beneficial as a compliment to modern medicine, and I added some of those approaches into my own treatment.  But false information that oversimplifies cancer and blames the victim is misleading and irresponsible.  I could go on and on and I don't want to offend or get into any debates, but my two favorite sites that confront the most common myths are here and here.  Worth a glance.

• Faith is important. My Christian faith has been a recurring theme in this blog throughout the whole experience and this has only strengthened it.  I have never believed that if I just do the right things, then God will prosper me and make my life comfortable.  On the contrary, he promised that we will have troubles in life, but that he's there for us when they come.  Looking back, I can see clearly how God prepared me to go through this, how he carried us through it, and I know he's going to use it for good. 

So here's to a healthy, blessed, happy 2015.  The best is yet to come.

Wait, what?!

If you're reading this blog then it's safe to assume you've heard the news: I have cancer. Lymphoma, as far as we know at this point and we'll find out the specific type in a few days. It's still fresh and I'll admit we had a period of disbelief because it totally came out of nowhere. "Wait, what?! How can I have cancer? I'm only 34 years old! I run! I drink green drink every morning! I have two young children and a third on the way! That's impossible!" So this blog is going to be my way of chronicling the journey. I want to be able to look back on this in the future and it will also provide a source to keep family and friends updated along the way. 

Before I get started on the background and details I want to say that we are doing well. The question we get asked most often is "how are you handling it?" Well, to say we were blindsided is an understatement. We had big plans for this year, I was training to run my first marathon and we were seriously contemplating a move to a different part of the country. And oh yeah we'll be welcoming our third child into the family in September. Despite all of that, I will say that my faith in God and His plans has never been stronger. As the verse in the blog descriptions says, He didn't say bad things would never happen, only that He would be with us when they did. So I know He's with us through this and there will be good that comes out of it, even if I don't understand it now. So we shift priorities and keep moving forward.

Background
We came to learn of the diagnosis when it showed up on a CT scan I was getting for what I thought was residual pneumonia. Last year I came down with pneumonia on two separate occasions. Once after returning from a family camping trip in June and the second time right after Christmas. Now I had never had pneumonia before in my life, so this was really bizarre. Over the past three years, I had really focused on my health, losing around 40 pounds by changing my eating habits and taking up running.

So after a week on the couch and another round of antibiotics, I was feeling almost back to normal, but not quite. Precious time was ticking away and I was anxious to jump into my marathon training plan. I figured my lung capacity would come back with time and I would just take it slow the first few weeks. Unfortunately, my lung capacity didn't bounce back this time as it seemed like every run was increasingly more difficult. I had a scheduled physical with my doctor at the end of February, so we talked about my symptoms and he ordered a chest CT scan for the next week as a precaution.

CT Scan #1
I should mention that my mother is a nurse (aka Mama Pit bull), so she had listened to my lungs before the scan and suggested that I get my own copy of the results from the imaging department. So early in the morning on Wednesday, February 26th, I went in for a quick chest CT scan and then headed in to work. The hospital notified me that the results were ready, so I stopped on my way home from work and picked up the CD and report that went with it. They had also sent a copy to my primary care physician, but he wouldn't be back in the office until the following Monday.

The report looked fine to me and I was happy to see that my lungs looked good. After that I stopped at my parents house to share the results with my mom. Her first words after reading the report were "we need to pray," which I was not expecting. At the very end of the report were the words "retroperitoneal lymphadenopathy - recommended enhanced CT scan of the full abdomen" which meant they saw swollen lymph nodes under my lungs and needed to get a better picture. Thanks to Mama Pit bull, I was able to get the enhanced CT scan scheduled for the next day.

CT Scan #2
So the day after my first CT scan, I went back to the imaging department for the enhanced scan. This one required drinking a specially formulated drink that would light up my insides for better visibility on the scan along with an injection. They called me when the results were ready, so I went to pick them up after work as I had the day before. It was deja vu all over again as I stopped at my parents house to review the results and my mom's first reaction was that we really needed to pray now. The results showed a significant lymph node swelling with a 19cm x 10cm tumor (about 7.5in x 4in) in my abdomen area that was wrapped around my aorta, interior vena cava, renal arteries, and pushing on my lungs and kidneys. The report indicated a strong suspicion of lymphoma and request to follow up with an oncologist.

At this point my head was spinning as it did not seem possible that I had lymphoma. I was  told by my primary care physicians office that he would call me on Monday to talk about next steps, but Mama Pit bull was already working the phones and calling her nurse friends to find the best hemotologist oncologist (blood cancer doctor) in the area. Tiffany and I were probably in a state of shock and did not want to believe this report. That night our pastor, Ed Hiers, came to our house to pray with us and provide some encouragement as we tried to process everything.

The Lahey Clinic
I began to see God's hand on the situation as I was able to get an appointment with one of the hematologist oncologist from the Lahey Clinic for the next day. He happened to be in one of their satellite offices in Derry, NH that day, which is about 20 minutes away for me. That day has enough to fill it's own post, so I'll save those details for the next entry. This journey has started very quickly for us and I will spend some time writing about where my head and my heart are in a later post, but I wanted to lay out the background first.